Sunday, September 07, 2008

Have Ray Gun! Will Travel! Please Pay Me!

Racing across the universe on his interstellar rocket ship!
Saving damsels in distress! Fighting terrible space menaces!
No job is too big! No universal conquerer too powerful!
With his plucky assistant, Cindy the Girl-Computer by his side!
Dirk Gradient, Space Agent! Saving the universe, one dollar at a time!

I hate Dirk Gradiant. He has a rocket ship. He won the rocket ship from me in a poker game. That was my rocket ship. I liked that rocket ship.

He also has my girlfriend. Cindy the Girl-Computer and I had dated for years. But Dirk told her about that time he'd gotten me drunk and I'd been violated by an Antarus space floozy. It was only the one time. I was very, very drunk. Now Cindy the Girl-Computer is Dirk's sidekick. She makes more money that way, she says, and doesn't have to sleep with a man who was violated by one of Antarus' infamous triple membered prostitutes.

All I have is my ray gun, this notebook, and the dregs of a fifth of scotch. I have no pants. My pants were stolen from me while I slept off the rest of the scotch. I suspect the radioactive cockroaches in the walls. They hate me. They say so when I try to get them to pay their rent.

Soon I will liberate my pants by cheerfully blowing apart my walls. My ray gun has five settings. Shock. Stun. Kill. Obliterate. Purify. On the last setting it reduces solid objects to radiant energy. The cockroaches fear my ray gun. I fear my ray gun. Dirk Gradient *wishes* he'd won my ray gun. But I am crafty, and would not place it on the table where his filthy Space Agent hands could touch it.

I have managed to liberate my pants. And the cockroaches have agreed, at gun point, to pay their rent. This money will get me off this filthy rock. From there I will go forth to reclaim my rocket ship from Dirk Gradient. Then I will return to my former life.

I have many enemies. They will no doubt try to stop me from reclaiming my rocket ship. But I will not be stopped. No one can stop me. That rocket ship is mine, and once aboard it I can cheerfully jettison Dirk Gradient out the nearest airlock, and let Cindy off at the nearest space-pirate infested planet before going off to fight evil again.

My name is Clint Corona. I have a ray gun. I will travel. Please pay me to solve your problems.


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