Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I swear its a novel idea, not some weird cult I founded

The following is a Original Idea(tm) from Bard. It is not meant to start a cult. If you want to start a cult about Christ's nanite enriched blood because you feel you may be the descendent of one of the apostles side affairs or the people they infected, remember that the iron content in your blood is perfectly natural. Continue eating Canadian beef. If you are a Christian and are offended by it, please remember that Jesus never said he WASN'T the super-nanite-infused spawn of 7-dimensional aliens. He just said he was the son of God, and that he wanted peace on earth. Those last three words are the most important part of that sentence.

The following is an explanation of a comment I made over at Bleeding Fiction, the blog of JasonK (or most often just "Jason", because the only other one I know is an undead axe murderer...or it might be the same one...if so his spelling is amazing for someone wearing gloves).

Most people know what the Holy Grail is. Its the cup that Christ drank from at the last supper. Some stories hold that its the cup that caught the blood of Christ after Loginus the Centurion (who's feast day I was born that a good thing or a bad thing?) stabbed him with a spear (which would become the Spear of Destiny). Christ was the son of God, and we apparently know this because angels visited the manger where he was born, a star guided the wise men, and at one point God appeared in the form of a glowing dove and said "This is my son with whom I am well pleased".

Of course...what if angels are actually extra-dimensional, or hyper-terrestrial, aliens who impregnated poor Mary with a super-child to meld their nanite-ravaged DNA with humanity to create a super race? Unfortunatly, not properly understanding human religion at the time, they didn't realize that the poor sod would think he had to be celibate, and would also attribute his ability to use his nanite-enriched blood to alter the properties of matter (water into wine, a handful of dirt into bread and fishes, walking on water, etc.) as miracles sent by god. The nanites altered his dimensional template to allow him to exist simultaneously in 11 dimensional space (the four we know, plus the other 7 that the "angels" naturally exist in), and also did the same (to a much lesser extent) when he infected his apostles, and they infected other people who's descendents would become saints.

Thus when the Holy Grail was not actually a cup, but a multi-spectrum containment unit used to store nanites in between transitory infection periods. The result of this is that, while it appears to be a cup, its actually a 7-dimensional storage medium that is embeded with the 11-dimensional blood of Christ.

Finding the Holy Grail, thus, provides a pure infusion of Christ's 11-dimensional genetic code, courtesy of the nanites, and thus may either:
a) convert you into a being of pure light
b) give you loads of cool superpowers (possibly involving a silver or neon green body sheath and guns growing out of your arms)
c) expand your brain out and let you thus conceive the full order of existance
d) turn you into a puddle of highly dangerous goo.

Remember: When drinking from the Holy Grail, its either the cup of a carpenter or the slick black glass thing with the glowing red light at the center. If it doesn't convert you into a god, it probably kills you.

Isn't it funny how no one who's ever found the Holy Grail has returned to say that they've found it?


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